Christmas I can't seem to get into the mood for the holidays. When did "getting into the mood" become such a chore? Randy helped a little tonight when I asked for a "pre-approved spending limit". As long as I keep my spending under that amount (and all together on that one card), I can have a blast. The hard part now is this: what do I buy for the most amazing man ever, who has a pathetic-looking wish-list? I want to come up with something that he wouldn't think of buying himself. We've decided to wait on the brewing set until after we return to Arizona because of the 3 glass carboys in the system. We've wanted to set him up to brew for 15+ years; we can wait a while longer.

Jewelry I added a new topic category tonight (can't believe I didn't do it sooner!) because I finally have a decent photo of a piece of jewelry I made!

This was for my Secret Santa in my local SnB group. She's away on her honeymoon, so she hasn't seen it yet! (And I don't think she knows about this blog either.)

Writing I have been listening to a lot of Disturbed lately. I love the lyrics and the sounds of this group. There's something... I don't know if "primal" is the word I want or if it's what it makes me feel/think. Everytime I listen to the Ten Thousand Fists album, my mind starts thinking on this werewolf novel I want to write. I really need to find the wireless headphones that Randy said I could borrow from him because when I write, I really rock out and living in a townhouse in "conservative central" is not the place to rock out without headphones.

I'm still mulling over this werewolf idea. It's not quite a full concept yet. I feel like I have a background/backdrop for the story to be told against, I feel like I have a cultural setting for the werewolves to come from and I think I have a main character and some of her back-story laid out. Now what I need is the thread of the story to weave into this tapestry. As Dr. Cook used to say in class, "What is the blip on the lifeline?" I don't know yet. I think it has to do with her origins, but what?

As for the mechanics of writing... I'm trying not to be a superstitious twit, but I feel like something in Arizona clicked my muse and my talent together and made the writing happen. Yes, I still had to put the time in at the keyboard. Yes, I still had to read, re-read, edit, re-write and so forth. But that initial thrust had within it a life of its own; even in the rough stages, it breathed. So, I'm trying not to fall for this concept and believe in myself that all that happened in Arizona was that I believed in my writing enough to create.

Is it coincidence that I've not written anything that has had that same life to it since Arizona? Or is it since I didn't get accepted to Clarion West 2005? Did that shake my faith more than I've had a chance to accept?

See, the timeline went like this:

As this table might show, I wasn't very focused on my writing after Clarion West passed me over. To be clear: I'm not "bitter". I really don't think I am. I just question my faith in my talent/skill and the industry. I had been taking some writing classes at ASU with Dr. Cook. He really shook up my preconceptions about authors and publishers, about the market and the money. I can pour my blood, sweat and tears into the best novel. I can send it out to the publishers who work in the genre.

While I don't mind competition, I do mind having to compete against the crap some established authors are putting out because they (and their publishers) know anything with their name on it will sell. My novel has to fight through a smaller market these days, past internist slush readers who probably haven't read the genre very widely or deeply. If I'm lucky/talented enough to get accepted, I'll see maybe $5,000 on that novel. It will take 18 months to go from acceptance to stores. Very few authors hit that magical juxtaposition of planets/fates to be a "J K Rowling" or "Stephen King". So, realistically, if my first novel does reasonably well, I might be able to sell books 2 and 3 for the same price.

Do I think my work could stand against what is being sold in bookstores right now? My answer is a resounding yes. Do I have a chance to get seen by the right publisher? Do I want to work that hard? Is it really "that hard"? I just don't know.

Now, present-day, I think I'm finally starting to turn my creative wheels again. I've not been thinking so much about "will I get published"; I've been zoning out thinking about "what's her story?"

Has my faith returned? That's where the whole "superstition" of this thing comes into play. If I can sit down and hit that zone where magic happens, then I'd say yes. If not, then I'm more likely to exhibit some superstition and say, "It'll come back when I get back to Arizona." And that, my friends, will not be a pleasant discovery.

I don't know about other bloggers, since I'm kinda new to the blogsphere, but I sometimes work things out as I type them out. This rambly post has solidified my resolve to keep trying to crank that engine. I'll check the spark plugs, oil the gears, whatever I've gotta do to sit down in my chair and transport myself to the Federalax (my sci-fi universe) or my urban fantasy Earth.

Whew. I'm ready for a knitting break after that navel-lint analysis!